We run around trying to get good grades… where did my work ethic go?
To get into a good job… I’m so not excited about my job.
Or into grad school… I don’t want to want it because I don’t believe I can get in.
So you can be financially stable… yeah, that’s the easy part. Fulfillment is the issue.
So you can have a family… but family’s not supposed to be the only thing, right? Your kids can’t be your whole life because you have a whole life of your own to fulfill.
With a great husband… yeah but it’s unhealthy to be co-dependent on them. That only leads to trouble. And my options are severely limited, and my best and favorite and hopeful option requires 3 years of long distance and a horrible start with my family.
So you can be happy with yourself… Well, I’m not. College is the worst. Because that’s when people realize that real life is right around the corner. That’s why they drink so much – ultimate escapism. That’s why the world drinks so much – escapism. All throughout high school and college you’re just running… running from failure… running from being left behind.
You become a senior, and suddenly… you stop running. Because you’re there. You’re getting internships, getting jobs, looking at the rest of your life through fresh and present eyes for the first time, and it’s bleak.
Bills, marital problems, unfulfilling jobs, familial transitions causing tension, religious doubts, considering unanswered philosophical questions on happiness and the meaning of life and the desperation of existence.
Desperation. Escapism. Desperation to escape.
That’s gotta be why people drink so much… why people abuse the Bible as a book of answers so they can stop asking questions… why people shop and watch movies and become addicted to Netflix and mind-altering drugs… why anxiety and depression are so popular… It’s life.
Or maybe it’s not life… It’s pride. It’s all pride. Pride in who we are, pride in our jobs, pride in our grades, pride in our skills, and pride in our social acceptance.
The Bible says pride is bad… so what’s life when you don’t seek pride?
You don’t care about yourself. You help others a lot, that’s great. Or maybe you don’t help anyone because your pride in yourself isn’t based on what you do for others, so your motivation is nonexistent. You just don’t care. You seek nothing. You reach for nothing. That’s the lack of any intelligent existence or any sort of self-awareness at all. That’s not right.
I got a C+ on an exam I felt deserved an A- in a class I really like.
And it’s not the first time. And it’s destroying me. My feelings are a product of A-student syndrome – to be discussed later. I know have developed a C student mentality, which in the “real world” is a fantastic thing.
But what’s my relation to the “real world” anymore?
Where is the motivation?
Besides just to run… run from financial instability, run from embarrassment, run from loneliness.
I can’t run. There’s no where else. I reached the end of the path.
I’m standing on the narrow dirt road beneath my feet, only to see the pebbles disperse and open up to vast land in front of me. Fields and fields and fields of bland grass in every direction. I’m sure there are rocks, mountains, lakes, storms, volcanoes, and apple orchards ahead… but I can’t see any of it, and everyone is telling me to go forward, but the path ended.
Nothing in my vision shows me anywhere I want to go. Nothing I can see allows me to estimate whether I will find an apple orchard, more meaningless grass fields, or worse, barren rocky terrain with frequent landslides.
I have no idea how to get anywhere. There are no maps. I could spend an eternity looking for an apple orchard and never find it. Wouldn’t that be the ultimate failure? Wouldn’t that negate all the success I had on the trails? People say mistakes are necessary in order to find peace/joy/happiness at the end. Every step mistaken in the past has no value if the end result is poor, right?