I inconsistently wrote mostly short posts in a blog throughout sophomore and junior year. I need to delete that site so I can connect my primary email to this blog. However, I couldn’t get rid of these posts about Anthony. Some are cute, some are important, some are kinda useless. One day, I’ll write about my internal struggle that began when I had my first date with Anthony. I didn’t trust anyone. Not even myself. I second-guessed myself a thousand times. I expected everyone to be less. Since then, Anthony has blown that all to pieces. I expect so much of him because he expects so much of himself – and he delivers. Some of these posts are laughable – thinking that Anthony might just be a flirt. HA! Ridiculous. However, I was a very logical girl and that meant being super, SUPER careful – trying to distance myself. You’ll get a feel for the struggle below, but you probably won’t really understand the depth and breadth of it unless I explain it later.
MAYDAY MAYDAY ABORT ABORT! : July 6, 2015
PROBLEM: Anthony’s too freakin’ awesome.
And I’m too freakin’ ready for a real relationship.
And I’m too freakin’ picky.
And I’m a junior in college… and people in college shouldn’t be thinking about marriage… never mind the fact that A BUNCH OF PEOPLE AT ND GET ENGAGED BEFORE THEY GRADUATE.
- puerto rican
- rides a motorcyle
- loves learning
- from IL
- wants to stay in midwest – maybe go Cali
- knows stocks
- plays piano and guitar
- plays basketball
- watches all my TV shows (including Scorpion and B99)
- he’s right outta high school – has tons of people to meet in college
- I’m only halfway through college – I have a ton of people to meet in college
- he just got out of a 2 year relationship
- I haven’t been in a relationship longer than 5 months
- puerto rican – Pop and Grandma would be unhappy
- really friendly – jealousy would be a thing
- he’s right outta high school – has tons of people to meet in college
Accidentally In Love: July 28, 2015
Am I accidentally in love? Or is it all in my head? Because it’s perfectly possible that it’s all in my head. Yes, Anthony’s adorable, smart, fun, attractive, trustworthy, I have a blast when I’m around him, I like who I am when I’m with him, I’m inspired by him, and I just want to be with him/talking to him all the time… But that could just be because I really badly want to be with someone.
I have this need that has to be satiated. And part of me (a very small part whose screams are stifled by my stronger urges) wants to just jump into and appreciate the friendship. Which outwardly, I’m mostly doing. I’m being a very cuddly, kind of sassy friend. But when I’m around him, he’s got ALL the other things on the list… and it’s summer… and to be honest I’m lonely.
I haven’t had a real boyfriend in forever. I’ve casually dated guys. I was kinda sorta with Michael Scott for a while but that didn’t include the emotional commitment component.
CLARIFICATION: I am under NO circumstances asking that of Anthony. He just seems like the guy that would only flirt with one girl at a time… who would only “like” or pursue one girl at a time… because ya know… He’s perfect and stuff. But when I’m around him, I really wanna make out with him. I really really wanna cuddle with him.
I’m a very physical person when it comes to love and I currently have no way to use it. But I have this pent up need… and won’t let just anyone satisfy it.
Jake would happily cuddle with me for hours… but I don’t want to cuddle with him. Having his arms around me makes me feel sick. Because I know I don’t want anything serious with him.
I don’t wanna cuddle with anyone unless I feel for them and they feel for me.
I love the idea of me and Anthony… It’s part of the reason I don’t actually want to voice how I feel. If it’s not exactly how it is in my head, then the fantasy dies. And ultimately it’s smarter to keep reality mild for now.
You Must Ask The Lonely: July 30, 2015 [Today me: remember, I thought me and Anthony were friends and nothing more – but this list was definitely kind of influenced by him]
I’m incredibly lonely. I’ve been listening to “Accidentally In Love” for the last hour and a half. I go through cycles of hating it, rocking into it, and being incredibly depressed by it because I am NOT accidentally in love.
I flirt like I could be with anyone… but it’s just not true. I try to fight the standards I have… act like I don’t have them… but I do.
My Criteria… Realistically.
- Not only college, but a GOOD college (or an honors program at an easy university)
- Attractive enough
- DOESN’T smoke – weed or cigs
- Not a big drinker
- Lucrative career path
- Passionate about his career path
- Knows a lot – and continually works to know a lot
- Likes sports/plays some
- Likes the same TV shows as me
- NOT a major flirt
- Likes Disney
- His singing doesn’t make me cringe
- His dancing doesn’t make me cringe
- I can learn from him
- Makes me laugh
- Laughs a lot
- Sassy sometimes
- NOT sarcastic/dark
- Doesn’t put people down
- Likes most of the same music
- Wants to stay in the same general geographical area as me
- Family man
- Very near my age
- Lazy sometimes
- Friendly, good at mingling, etc.
- Not shorter than me
- Exhibits the gifts of the holy spirit
- Not black or a culture I can’t effectively 1) adopt and 2) promote
- Not a dirty mouth
- NOT CLINGY
“Dating” The Way It Should Be: July 30, 2015
Whether they’re friend dates or more dates, I don’t even care at this specific point in time… but it’s fun.
Date 1: Lunch, Tropical Smoothie (Black/white maxi sundress)
Date 2: Movie & Coffee, AMC Tomorrowland & Einsteins (man sweatshirt, aladdin tank, yogas)
Date 3: Coffee, Starbucks (no idea) came up with the Ms
Date 4: Space Golf, Art shop, cold stone, half price books (white lace dress, blue jean cover up)
Date 5: Inside date – sushi & Community & movie amc Trainwreck (yogas, blue button down??)
Date 6: Chicago, Field Museum, Buckingham Fountain, comic shop (pocahontas dress & black cardigan)
Date 7: Movie, Amc – Ant-Man (“LOVE” mickey gloves, jeans)
Date 8: Burnt toast (black & white geometric XS 50s dress, black cardigan)
Blue Jean Baby: August 2, 2015
I feel like if me and Anthony were to have a song, it should be Tiny Dancer.
Because it’s the song that played while I put my head on his shoulder and he rested his head on mine. I think that’s cute.
Got What I Wanted: August 8, 2015
He’s actually kind of the cutest.
Hooooooooly crud. : August 13, 2015
So, after we saw like 14 shooting stars, I had to kick Anthony out because we were in my backyard (why…) and the parents wanted people off the property by 1:30.
So we get to the front… and we’re talking about some random stuff (like usual) and he says, “Hey Ashley, I really really like you” and at that point I basically freeze up with this this super excited, kinda sassy smile on my face. My mouth is open like I’m almost going to bite my lip. I’m in my man sweatshirt (the one from Hollister not the Turkey Testicle Festival one) and I’m not even facing him directly. I was so surprised that he was the one to bring it up. I was sure that I would either be bringing it up, or I would’ve just let it hang there and fizzle if it fizzled. He did tell me his one fear that night. He did say he hasn’t told anyone. That’s crazy to me. Several people know just about everything important in my life. I’m not vulnerable often, but when I am, it’s full force (Mom, Emmy, Jake, sometimes Aimee, random people I was once close with). I was impressed. Especially since the “Anthony” brand seemed to include clear, logical conversation on every front EXCEPT emotion. Then here it is. Right out there. I just said “yeah?” sassily, as he goes on [this actually felt like forever with how much I was reacting in my head] “and I know that school is right around the corner, but” wait is he going to ask me to be his girlfriend? I can’t handle that right now. He has to leave the yard like right now or the parents might kill me (or they’ll be fine – impossible to guess). I don’t have time to have a full, emotionally respectful speech against an extremely intense label. Wait, is he asking me? Am I listening? “I would really like to know where this is going.” He said it with a perfectly normal smile on his face, like he was asking a question about a certain element he found exciting. “Hey, how do you think cobalt is going to react with boron? Because I have a strong feeling it will explode, but I’d like to know what you think it’ll do?” He was so chill. This guy really only shows 2 emotions: happy, and very frustrated about something he really likes, so he’s still smiling. He’s always smiling. He literally can’t frown.
It feels like he said way more than that… did he? Nope, I’m pretty sure that sentence just lasted a billion years. Because that’s when the utter terror came rushing like a horrendous flood.
But I handled it well, for the time being. I was horribly goofy and awkward, but I don’t much care. I said “Well… I really really like you… like a lot.” I had my head tilted down, eyes looking up at him (probably showing my double chin – but at this point, it clearly didn’t matter). Then I immediately looked away, “and I haven’t thought about much more than that because school and life and stuff… soooo I really like you, and pause on the rest?” I said in my girliest, sweetest, most irresistible way I could think to say it.
Then I leaned in to kiss him, and he leaned the opposite way from what I expected (just like he holds my hand with my thumb on top instead of his (also unexpected)) so it was awkward, but it was fine. Then I pulled away and turned around (like an idiot) and said “why do you have to leave now” but he still wasn’t leaving… so I went in again and said goodnight. Which ended up fine.
So it was super sweet.
And I have this awful label over my head that is now out in the open. I was totally considering the option of not bringing it up.
They’re right. It’s the build up that’s the best. This is stressful.
There are a billion maybes and what-ifs, but the truth right now… is that I don’t know what he wants. Guess I can’t assume much without that piece of the puzzle.
Yup, They Were Date Dates: August 18, 2015
I said before that I wasn’t sure whether I was hanging out with Anthony (“friend dates”), or whether they were actual dates. Given new information gathered in the recent past, they were actual dates. I know I had a post with this information before, but I’d like to copy and add for chronological consistency reasons.
- Date 1: Lunch, Tropical Smoothie (Black/white maxi sundress)
- Date 2: Movie & Coffee, AMC Tomorrowland & Einsteins (man sweatshirt, aladdin tank, yogas)
- Date 3: Coffee, Starbucks (no idea) came up with the Ms
- Date 4: Space Golf, Art shop, cold stone, half price books (white lace dress, blue jean cover up)
- Date 5: Inside date – sushi & Community & movie amc Trainwreck (yogas, blue button down??)
- Date 6: Chicago, Field Museum, Buckingham Fountain, comic shop (pocahontas dress & black cardigan)
- Date 7: Movie, Amc – Ant-Man (“LOVE” mickey gloves, jeans)
- Date 8: Burnt toast (black & white geometric XS 50s dress, black cardigan)
- HE GOES TO DISNEY. I REALIZE I’M BROKE. So all dates are inside dates and I don’t actually remember if I’m missing some…
- Date 9: Movies, Fantastic Four, Mork and Mindy
- Date 11: The backpack fiasco, Suits/Community, and Donald Glover (stayed too late, some really adorable cuddling and tired conversation happened – worth it)
- Date 12: Suits, Meteor Shower (saw like 14) (the boy grew a pair and I wasn’t so bold, but first kiss)
- Not date: Picked me up from Crystal Lake train station to bring me to Pingree
- Date 13: Suits, Night Ride
Did I really only hangout with him 13 times in 2 months? Hmm… Maybe that’s a lot…
Hot. : August 24, 2015
It’s been my fuel for a while now.
More Than The Wings of a Butterfly: September 11, 2015
Hooooooooooly crud. Anthony’s actually amazing.
He’s using an assignment in class to help gain the ability of talking about his thoughts and feelings to me.
He’s writing a freaking paper about me.
Also, he sang me Blue Moon twice, one of which I was basically falling asleep to him singing to me like a lullaby. It was beautiful.
Ugh. All the goodness. All the happiness. Mmmmhm. Feelin’ good.
Throwback: Pent Up Tension: September 12, 2015
I mean, his heart was pounding pretty hard. I wasn’t exactly sure, but I figured he was thinking about me. The way he would caress my arms… then I’d pull harder on his shirt, or dig my nails in a little – body language. Usually I think it’s pretty effective communication. I exhaled deeper into his chest. Got closer, caressed his arm or his chest, depending on my position.
A couple of times I could’ve leaned in to kiss him… but it was usually in the middle of the episode. I take these episodes very seriously. Also, I was kinda nervous. I’m not the skinniest thing and I have a small chest and I was wearing jean shorts which I don’t look great in.
One episode ended, another just started. Looked up… Not even sure what was said, if anything was said… but I moved in, and we pretty effectively melted.
Last Night: Pillow Talk: September 12, 2015
Says I’m incredible.
Thinks about me all the time. “I think of three things science, media, and Ashley. and when I’m thinking of science or media, I’m also thinking of Ashley. So 100% of the time.”
“I’m yours, so if you ever want me to sing you to sleep, I will.”
The fact that I dance is super attractive. (Thank goodness)
Told him I’m a virgin. He’s chill with it.
Pulling me closer to him with his hand on the small of my back – He’s never going to forget that.
Can’t Push You Away: September 13, 2015
Had a wonderful time skyping with Anthony for 7 hours.
- We talked about
- Relient K / Twenty one pilots
- Religion – the fact that we can’t share it
- Sharing emotions / being raw
- I should want to run away… but every day, I find that he’s worth facing all those worries.
- He got butterflies lol
- A little about my family, a little about his, a little about Justin
- The fact that he’s “extremely attracted” to me, that any insecurities I have is “insane”
Anthony Visits ND: September 20, 2015
- He got here
- I called him in the parking lot, found his car as it was ringing, so that I could say “look right” and he jumped out of the car and picked me up and spun me & we kissed a couple times – so glad he’s here
- Showed him South Quad
- Showed him God Quad
- Showed him North Quad
- Got dinner at North
- Showed him Library Quad & the library
- where we got his ticket
- Visited Washington Hall – saw Kat and Aimee
- Chilled in Cavanaugh
- did a lot of talking
- some record-listening
- Brought him to Fisher
- Anthony called me at 8:45 am
- met him outside
- went around lafun
- saw the band
- did some light shopping
- Went back to chill in Cav
- Wake up & chill
- Walked him to South Quad and said goodbye!
I’m Awesome: October 14, 2015
Anthony’s been super sweet lately. He’s been so complimentary, calling me cute all the time, saying how involved i get in things is one of the most attractive things about me. Talking about how he likes me. Saying I’m adorable, that it’s not fair how adorable I am (over Skype) when he can’t be here. My adorableness is just sleeping. He just calls me adorable for it. He says “hey you’re cute and I love you.” And when I was all like “I’m pimply and have cookie dough weight” he’s all “i’m gonna kiss you so much.” And he’s all “I really wanna kiss you right now.”
And we had a really good conversation about validation and how I don’t feel like he can empathize with me, but he can sympathize. And we got to a good place emotionally and he was all “I just wanna hug you.” And it was truuuuue.
He’s just been cutesy and it’s been great. Perhaps it’s because I’ve gotten clingy. I say things like “my love” and other pet names and he gets really excited and calls me freakin’ adorable. This is a good thing.