The Abandoned Blog: Me Edition

This blog used to be titled “The Story of a Girl” and I was “The Girl” in my author profile. This was based on the song “Absolutely (Story of a Girl)” by Nine Days. I chose this because, if anyone asked me to sing a song, this song always came out of my face first. It was my immediate, no-thought, go-to. Also, it was classic and so reflective-girl-next-door. I loved that. Terribly generic, but I loved it.

The URL used to be storyofagirl9226.wordpress.com but according to WordPress, it should never be available to be accessed again. Apparently, no one can reuse the site address either.

If you want more info on why this blog was abandoned, read the beginning of the “The Abandoned Blog: Anthony Edition” post. However, everything below is BEFORE me and Anthony’s first date (which was on June 10th, 2015) except the last two which are focused on me.

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Totally Unoriginal, and Okay With It: March 16, 2015 [Today Me- First post of the blog]

Well tumblr has been taken over by fandoms, the LGBTQ community and its rainbow-sporters, and other various forms of rebloggers. I was around tumblr back when people from my high school wrote long paragraphs about what they were dealing with. What a blog’s supposed to be, I guess.

So I’m trying it again and shamelessly admitting that watching Awkward inspired me to start up again. Invisible Girl, she called it. And I am no longer in high school. More than that, I’m at a school who couldn’t care less about the boring typical self, friend, and boy problems of the average girl. Everyone’s too distracted by succeeding, getting drunk, and keeping emotionally stable by working out and eating healthy.

Something I’m still no good at.

Maybe I’ll get there this semester. Who knows. I know. I guess. Eh, I’m gonna try.

Goals:

  1. Sleep enough. Starting with being in bed by 1am. I’ve got 20 min.
  2. Take Netflix sitting time and turn it into at least SOME working out. Better to waste time doing something that’s good for me than, well, not.
  3. Enjoy a little Netflix… but attempt less… but continue fulfilling your relationship void with fictional rom-com binge-watchable TV shows. Limit to 20 – 60 min at a time, focus on meals.
  4. Be okay with some B’s. I do not have to be perfect. I do not need to have great grades. Balance means that I am not great at everything. What’s good for me is to not be awesome at everything.
  5. Try to eat healthier. Starting tomorrow. Tonight is about Peppermint Mocha Frapps with skim milk, extra coffee, yes I still want whipped cream, with mocha drizzle, and a salted caramel cake popu on the side…. No I don’t use chocolate to replace my need for love. What?
  6. As a result, the above should lead to less frequent emotional breakdowns.
  7. That should lead to be able to be more productive. This includes all classes, jobs, and activities, which I will all be average at… and I will be okay.
  8. Because I’m all ready on the right path. I should be proud of that. I’ve got 2.5 leadership programs and an interview for a 3rd point fifth.

Speaking of Awkward … I think I absolutely love it… but I’ve been multi-tasking basically all of Season 2. So I’ll be watching it a lot.

I don’t care how long or short my posts are. Deal with it…. unreal… audience… Pay no attention to the fact that I get a little immature possible-attention rush because my totally normal, boring thoughts are public. Let me have my thing that I stole from a not-super-successful, stupid, MTV show.

12:53 Running out of time.

SPOILER ALERT: Crap. She just chose Matty. What is wrong with her. Part of me is sad because she’s stupid for choosing him. The other part of me is happy because even in my fantasies, I can have Jake to myself. The OTHER other part of me (the non-emotional, logical, industry-interested part) says it was a great idea to show the “alternate reality” of Jake never having chemistry with Jenna. Good deal. Well done.

Okay. Going to bed. Because I’m gonna be better. Yeah. Gnight!

 

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Not My Era: March 15, 2015

I am wearing a white polka-dotted blue dress that stops just below my knee with buttons up the bosom, a thick collar, and dainty partial short sleeves. I lost its long white ribbon. Along with them, black and cream polka dotted wedges with a little rope bow on the toe.

Everyone else is wearing track shorts, short sundresses, vineyard vines, LL Bean, or whatever fancy east coast people wear with their healthy lifestyles, tiny thighs and flat stomachs.

I just don’t have my hippie skirts… or good dresses… or shorts that fit… I was hoping for a couple weeks of just not having to wear my coat. I wasn’t ready for this “beautiful” weather.

Also – just went over to say hi to the free styling guys that are supposed to be my “friends.” I haven’t talked to them in nearly a semester, so they have the right to be a little cold. I’m not mad, or sad. It’s just a bummer, I guess.

I’m quite the misfit today.

Thought about what it would be like to date the guy I sit behind in business law. Then I remembered my double chin, stomach rolls, thick thighs and the monster zit on my forehead that I’ve had for 3 weeks and still hasn’t gone away.

Sigh.

At least it’s beautiful out and my temperature is comfortable.

Bright sides.

P.S. I actually love my ’50s dress. It’s so much fun🙂 I just wish it wasn’t such a deviation from the mean.

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Like a Broken Record: March 17, 2015

Well, the first 24 hours of my being back from Spring Break are over. And with that, I’m slipping back into my old ways of watching too much Netflix.

What sucks this time, is that I didn’t want to watch Netflix. I forced myself to because that’s just what I do. Not really a valid excuse, huh.

I can say that with all of my being not taken over by Netflix-loving or food deprivation, I’m freaking out about the PFresh show and I do not want to see any of the people in PFresh. I do not want to go to practice, but I’ll be going anyway.

Oops… am I supposed to be there now? Don’t think so.

I wonder if the dizziness I’m feeling is the inevitable “healthy headache” I’m about to start dealing with all week. That’s right – when I start eating healthy: counting my calories, controlling my portions… I get major cranial pains that won’t go away no matter how much water I drink. I was so hungry… I shoved so much broccoli down my throat I was gonna throw up, and even then I couldn’t help but eat the edges off a low-budget m&m cake piece.

What did I have to do today… Well, nothing so terrible as figure out how to handle this PFresh show. It’s currently my biggest fear.

My biggest distraction, however, is Awkward. Matty was being the sweety and Jake’s hair sucks, so now even that fantasy is losing its oomph.

Seriously? Why’d they have to do that to him?????

Well, time to face my biggest fear of the day. Wish me luck.

Xoxo … Gossip Squirrel

(stolen from ND’s Yak)

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I Need To Live Alone: March 18, 2015

I hate living with roommates.

Last year it was okay, I guess. I mean, Jane drunkenly talked to me about her love life too much, and Emma … well nothing was wrong with Emma she was super chill and we talked about life every once in a while, that was fun.

This year, Shannon has to go to bed at 11pm and moves my stuff in places without telling me when she wants to vacuum. And little miss Red Head journalist is way too comfortable being way too close to me and my stuff. She’s even made a couple of power plays. Nuh uh. I tried to get my stuff out of your way, and me walking in on you putting your feet in my stuff’s space and literally moving my backpack to be in the midst of my stuff IS NOT COOL. Also the thing about me bringing guys to my side of the room (“I wouldn’t care, but I’m not the one you share a room with” she said). It’d be in the common room, dumbass. There’s no room for anything over here. What kind of short, skinny guys do you think I go after?

Angela’s cool. I love Angela. We’re going to be friends next year. We can talk about a bunch of stuff and we have a ton in common and on more than one occasion, I’m sure, we’ve pissed off Shannon for being too loud. Clarification: Talking at all = being too loud.

They wanted to be friends with me at the beginning of the year… I made it clear that they were just my roommates and nothing more. However, not so sure I’d be friends with the other side of the room (Shannon and Emily (miss Ginger)) if given the chance. Well, not close, anyway.

I can’t ever get a spot to myself. And my side of the room is not a good place to be productive. It’s too homey and comfy. And to get work done well (the kind of work that isn’t confined to my laptop) I have to spread everything out everywhere.

Which I occasionally do in the common room, whether they want me to or not.

They’re leading me to my academic grave. It’s their fault that I don’t study because I can’t be comfortable anywhere. That’s the dealio.

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I’m Over The Whole “Babysitting” Thing: March 20, 2015

I love my boss, I do.

But stop talking to me. I don’t wan to talk to you.

I barely want to talk to anyone.

I don’t want to talk to you about your day or my day or anything.

I know you employ us like we’re your friends, but I’m not in the mood.

Sorry…

It’s like not giving second dessert to your kid… That’s the guilt I feel. But that’s seriously messed up that she’s so immature in handling her emotions that I have that guilt.

Confused about how I’m supposed to feel.

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My Would-Be Peer Advisor Application Essay: March 23, 2015

I wholeheartedly believe that in nearly all situations, your greatest strength is also your greatest weakness. The wonderful traditions of Notre Dame and the values shared by Notre Dame students are a big part of what makes ND a fantastic school to learn and grow in, but it also puts a lot of pressure on students to conform to what they may think is necessary to fit in. In my first year at ND, I felt an incredible amount of pressure to find that group of six girls in my dorm who I would eat meals with, get drunk at Feve with, and be best friends with forever. I am not the Northface-wearing, Pumpkin Spice Latte-sipping, “basic white girl” that seems to be the norm here. I like my alone time, I don’t party, I had three jobs freshman year to pay for my Bookstore apparel, and when I am social, I like to bounce between several groups of friends. In my first year, I felt rejected. I felt like I was too weird to fit in. By the end of the year, I realized that my blend of socialization, academics, jobs, and me time was my style, and it was okay that my style was different.

Through my struggles freshman year, I never once thought of transferring, because I believe in Notre Dame as my perfect school. Struggles were bound to find me when I was uprooted from my comfortable suburban home with Mom and Dad, but there is no place else I would have liked to learn to overcome those struggles. I continue to love the combination of faith, community, and commitment to academics that Notre Dame exemplifies. I spent many a night talking to Jesus in one of the many chapels on campus. It was so nice to have a place of worship so near no matter where I was on campus. Others may consider me a catholic on paper rather than in practice, but my faith is strong in Jesus and in ND. Both the Dome and the Lady atop it were my rocks for the transition from high school to college.

Academically, I did very well, achieving Dean’s List in my fall semester of freshman year and continuing to do well the next semester. This year, I’m learning that balance is key. At the beginning of this current semester, I had 19 credits, 5 jobs, and 3 seriously time-consuming leadership roles in outside activities. I spread myself too thin, expecting myself to do everything right, to work from the moment I woke up past the moment I decided I would be pulling an all-nighter. I realized that I needed to be more realistic in my expectations of myself. I dropped one class and one job, which makes a world of difference. My expectations were the same that I had for the high school me in my high school environment. At the time, I refused to accept that as time changes, so does our environment, and so should we.

I believe with my blend of social, self-discovery, career, and academic problems and solutions, I will be able to help any freshman make the transition a little easier.

EXPLANATION:

Don’t think I’ll actually apply because it’s a big time commitment. I’ve gotta figure out what I do and don’t wanna do.

Take lots of classes? Yes.

Be in PFresh? Yeah, sure, I guess. Be on the board of PFresh? If I’m in, then yes.

UWIB? I think that ship has kind of sailed…

Dance Co? I wish…

Scholastic? Maybe not… but they need me… So if they need me, yes. If they don’t, no.

Washington Hall? Can’t quit. Can’t.

DPAC? I could quit…

Ugh… Decisions suck.

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I Finished Friends… : March 25, 2015

It hurt… I’ve spent almost 4 months waking up with, eating meals with, and falling asleep with those characters… I’ve lived with them for 4 months. It’s sad…

To keep myself from bursting into tears, I had to switch shows…

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Petition For A New Word To Replace “Feminism”: April 1, 2015

Because stupid people ruined it.

I hate discussions about gender. “Feminism” is a toxic word to me. Since coming to Notre Dame, I’ve realized that the actual definition of feminism is equality for everyone. Women should have the right to choose whether they keep their last name, they should be paid equal wages as men who do the same work as they do, and they shouldn’t be expected to cook dinner every single night, especially if they’re not the ones eating it (sigh).

Then there’s my professor, Mary Kearney. She said than feminists are right and anyone who’s not a feminist is anti-feminists and that feminists believe there is no biological difference between men and women. And that there are 5 genders… which we should recognize and let people choose if they want to be a middle gender or male or female when they’re at the age of reason – like middle school or something. Oh and if you want to take your husband’s last name but you believe that women should have equal rights, you’re conforming to an ideology that “doesn’t benefit you” because it comes from patriarchal society. Makes me sick. Then there are the men-hating bra-burners and that’s even worse.

There should be another word for the REAL definition of “feminism.” The extreme feminists (the aforementioned “stupid people”) ruined it for us. No man can say he’s a feminist (which is actually just saying he feels women should have equal pay and not be forced to stay in the kitchen) because then he’s a traitor against all men. We should all be feminists – but freaks have ruined it.

So yeah, we need a new word.

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A World Without Gender Expectations (That I Currently Reject Wholeheartedly): April 1, 2015

If there were no gender expectations… what would I do? Who would I like?

How would be different if I had no expectations.

  • I wouldn’t work out. I wouldn’t think about working out besides the physical and mental/emotional benefits.
  • I’d be happy with my body.
  • I wouldn’t wear makeup.
  • I’d eat all the junk food I want.
  • I wouldn’t own many (if any) nice tops. I love dresses, and I love tshirts, hoodies, and sweats. I’m not a big fan of jeans. I hate, hate HATE trying to find nice tops that look good on me and go with nice bottoms.
  • I’d wear mens shoes a lot (wait, I already do that…)

That’s about it. I love being a girl. I love my blonde hair. I want to be called cute. I want a guy to love my personality… I like wearing cute shoes when they don’t totally hurt my feet. I LOVE jewelry.

What kind of guy I’d want if there wasn’t such a thing as a “man’s man..”

  • A guy that’s bigger than me, so I can feel protected
  • A guy who’s confident
  • and funny
  • and can teach me to do things
  • I’d want to provide for him, but I’d also want him to provide for me
  • a guy who’s different from me so that we can compliment each other

If there was no such thing as a “man’s man,” I probably wouldn’t care what he wore, or what kind of haircut he’d have. But I’d still want a guy to be strong so I can feel protected (and so if anyone’s bothering me he can offer to beat them up for me😉 haha) and confident so that he’s strong of mind and emotions so that he can help me grow.

But for now…

I hate feminine guys. I want a tough guy. I want a man’s man. I want him to lead. Well… I want him to be able to lead. Ultimately, I probably want to lead.

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THE STORM HAS PASSED: April 21, 2015

PFresh Show 2015 is over and it was a raging success. No insane issues during the run (though I’m procrastinating asking if the videographer actually showed up or not). Everyone laughed at Kat’s jokes. There were about 450 butts in the seats, about 400 tickets actually sold, and over $2500 raised through donations and ticket sales.

Everyone had a ton of fun.

I didn’t screw up Cruise – I did screw up the umbrella thing, but I wasn’t the only one, so we’ll see how that worked out.

Everyone was hugging me and thanking me and telling me how good the show was and how they liked the theme and how it was comparable to last year.🙂 some said better, some said just as good, I thought it was a good follow-up. It was never going to make it to the 600-seater last year’s was, but it was certainly a ton of fun, made a good amount of money, and had a super crazy fun crowd of more than enough people.🙂

Also I’m super proud of designing this poster.🙂

ahh

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So Maybe I’m Vain: April 21, 2015

I think I look fat in a lot of the pictures from Photographer 1: Sam Leung, but that’s because I need to work on not being fat, working out, eating smaller portions, eating healthier, and eating less crap. But these photos were pretty great🙂

4-collage-mepfresh-15-collage-me

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I love my school. : May 3, 2015

  1. I can tell really, REALLY stupid jokes… and not only do people accept me, they genuinely laugh at my jokes.
  2. I get several likes on a REALLY STUPID comment on FB.
  3. People are really chill about getting over an awkward or tense bump
    1. aka I can be honest with people
  4. The professors care🙂 Carl Ackermann is the best
  5. People are respectful
  6. People care
  7. Our Yak is the ish

So many reasons… This school is the best

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I’ve Never: July 8, 2015

A passion project.

From a quote of my own – inspired by a friend, encouraged by a friend to make an art project out of it.

ive-never-4   ive-never-5   ive-never-6   ive-never-3   ive-never-2-2   ive-never-1

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Tell Me I’m Good: July 8, 2015

I want someone to tell me I’m good at something that requires creativity.

I want to be good at art.

I crumbled when I couldn’t make my song sound right.

I rejoiced when people liked my choreography.

I’m having fun with these photos.

I would love to be good at photography.

I’m not so good at making my own quotes – this I got lucky with. Because I wasn’t trying to coin a quote. I was just saying something that I believed to be true.

But hey,

That’s the price you pay if you decide to meld work and play – in the creative world, what’s good and bad is subjective. What’s created is fueled by emotion only felt (albeit very deeply) by the creator, where work fueled by logic cannot be disputed by the laws of logic that the whole industry adheres to. The creative industries don’t have such a solid, respected set of rules.

So I guess if I’m looking for validation, I should stay away from the art world.

Or continue to embrace “dabbling.”

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